Winter Magic

Winter Magic
"Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall." ~ Ray Bradbury

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Christmas Day

It is Christmas Day and I'm sitting here at my friends house alone. I don't think I've ever had "alone" time on Christmas before.  I dropped Babybug off at her daddy's around noon, and now I have a few hours alone before I get to have dinner with a very good friend and her son.

Other than the fact that Babybug is not sitting here with me now, it was a pretty much perfect Christmas.

I will admit that one of my biggest fears about divorce was how it would change the holidays.  I love this time of year...starting with Halloween and ending with New Years, it is by far my favorite season.  What I learned this year is that although things have changed, in the end they are still the same.  I didn't miss out on anything with Babybug, we shared all of the same holiday experiences we had in the past and, to be honest, she got to spend more time with her dad than ever before.  I think for her it was a huge benefit.

New bike!
I was dreading the noon drop-off with her dad, but when it happened the anxiety I had dissipated.  She got to open her big Santa gift with both of us there - a pink Hello Kitty balance bike - and she loved sharing that experience with both of us.  My ex and I agreed that we would always share the cost of her big Santa gift and have her open it with both of us there; I was worried it would not go well, but with both of us focusing on Babybugs happiness we were able to put our differences aside and give her an amazing Christmas.
Presents at Daddys 


Not wanting to go home to an empty house, I was lucky enough to have a good friend invite me to dinner with her and her son.  We made amazing prime rib and had a fabulous Christmas dinner. No tears. No sadness. No anxiety.  None of the things I had worried about.  It was exactly what I needed.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Feel Good Post :)

So, I was playing around on the internet today when I came upon this blog post by PAXbaby.

http://paxbaby.com/tag/teaching/

Today my heart is smiling.  Thank you Frances.  Thank you PAXbaby!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Missing...

I haven't posted in a long time.  I haven't wanted to write.  I haven't wanted to share.  I haven't wanted to be public.  I retreated.

I don't know if retreating was the right thing to do.  I know that writing has always helped me cope, but for some reason the things that were going on in my life were too difficult to write about.

I am not ready to share it all.  I can share the WHAT but I am not ready to share the WHY.  I don't know if I will ever be ready for that.

On February 1, 2014 I will no longer be married, I will be single again.  In June, 2013 I filed for divorce.

I think a large part of the reason why I stopped writing is because I want to always be honest and open in my writing, and while my world was falling apart, I just couldn't see myself being able to write openly and honestly.  I still don't know if I can.

I thought long and hard about starting a new blog for my new life, but it dawned on me that being a mother and having a family has not changed.  I am still cultivating the wonder of my baby bug.  It may take me awhile to write about the deeper and more challenging things.  I may have to focus on the little things between me and my baby bug; however, I know that in time the writing will help me.

A few things to note:

  • There was no legal battle in the divorce, we managed to do it in 3 hours with a mediator.
  • We are working hard at co-parenting - every choice we make starts with "What is BEST for baby bug" instead of "what do I want".  
  • I am the one that filed, I knew I was going to do it 8 months before it happened... in October 2012 it became a matter of when and how, not if.
  • When I came to the conclusion that I had to leave, the final decision was based on "What is BEST for baby bug"... I know many people find that hard to believe, but if I want my daughter to learn how to be treated by a man, how a loving, empathetic, caring relationship should be, then the relationship either had to change or I had to leave.
  • I knew there were big issues when I was pregnant, I pushed for marital counseling, I continued to ask for counseling for 3 years after my daughter was born.... he finally agreed after I had already made the decision to leave. 
  • I am the writer of this blog, so you are going to get my point of view.  I am sure that my bias will strongly color my writing.  I am sure that there are other points of view.  I am sure that at times it will look like I am placing blame.  But, this is MY blog and it is MY thoughts, MY ramblings, MY issues.... so yes it will have MY bias.  

So a new journey has begun...