Winter Magic

Winter Magic
"Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall." ~ Ray Bradbury

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Post-Divorce Anxiety

I step out of the shower and pat myself dry with a towel, my back still bumpy and itchy from the allergic reaction I had to new laundry soap earlier in the week.  I reach to scratch and then stop myself, picking up the lotion instead.  I look in the mirror, towel wrapped around me held up with one hand, I see only a blur so I crack open the bathroom door to let out the moisture and steam.  Then I peak out and I see his reflection in the TV.  The game is on, ULCA v. USC basketball.  I suddenly want him to put the lotion on my back, I almost walk out to ask him, but I stop myself.

In my moment of hesitation thoughts race through my mind... he's watching the game, maybe I shouldn't interrupt... the lotion smells like vanilla, maybe he won't want to smell like that...we don't have time to fool around, maybe this would tease him...my back is bumpy and red, maybe it will bother him...It really would be nice, but the game is on...maybe I should just do it myself.

I take a deep breath, I remind myself that this is someone new.  I tell myself I'm being silly, I'm over thinking, I just need to ask.  So, I open the door and walk out into the hall, towel held up by one hand Vanilla Lace lotion in the other, and I ask him if he can please do me a favor and rub some lotion on my back.

He jumps up from the couch and is following me into the bedroom as I hear him say "I'd love to".   I relax.  I enjoy every second of his hands on my back, the lotion taking the itch away.  And when he is done, he hands the lotion back to me, looks me in the eyes, and asks me why I asked him like that.  "What do you mean" I ask.  He says that I asked him like I was afraid he'd say no, like he was doing me a big favor or something. He hugs me and tells me that he loves doing little things like that for me, and in no way should I consider it a favor.

I realize at that moment that I'm more damaged than I thought. There is anxiety and fear inside of me that I can't hide.  He saw it.

And I am okay with that.


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